Watching Post-Apocalyptic Paint Dry

So, a few hours ago, I caught the trailer for this over at IMDb. Looked boring. 

That IFC Midnight title card, anymore, is like a warning bell for me. I’ve been burned out of precious time on too many of these high-minded ‘indy’ flicks deceptively decked out in B-grade exploitation attire. 

The movie’s poster, replete with glowing blurbs from wide-eyed critics/fanboys, set off another round of warning bells:


I tend to avoid critics’ reviews when it comes to films such as this, particularly when a film’s advertising reeks of arthouse pretension.

In these instances, I find IMDb user reviews to be much more enlightening, as they give a much clearer picture about what kind of person the film’s geared towards.

I may have taken a chance on a film like this when I was younger. The older I get, however, the more apparent it becomes that my time on earth is limited, and increasingly so with each passing day.

My free time is more precious to me now than it ever was during my teens or my twenties.

I’m not as willing, therefore, to risk wasting it on dreary, unsatisfying motion pictures. Particularly when filmmakers are peddling the same old post-Apocalyptic nihilism that I’ve seen already so many times before.

If I’m ever in the mood to bum myself out on a movie, I’ll just watch The Road again. Or, if I desire an approximation of that experience that’s not quite so bleak, 28 Days Later, which at least has something resembling an optimistic ending.

Frankly, I’m bored with the entire post-Apocalyptic movie genre. Bored with desperate survivors. Bored with zombies. If there’s one thing The Survivalist has going for it, at least it doesn’t use the zombie crutch to rope in viewers.

In light of The Survivalist‘s amusingly breathless theatrical poster, I thought it would be amusing…to me, personally, if no one else…to do a parody version, using critical blurbs barbs from a few of the IMDb users who were severely underwhelmed by the film.

Survivalist Finale

Critical barbs courtesy of IMDb Users dcoetzee-46428, vinkler, felicity_gr, and alex (doorsscorpywag)